Inspirations

By Gary Champman

I think it is safe to say that in no generation has the task of parenting teenagers been more perplexing than at the present time.  Teenage violence is no longer limited to the fictional world of movies.  Many of the parents I meet are in the panic mode.  Especially if their own teen is sexually active or using drugs.  So what's a parent to do?

It may surprise you, but I think you should start by apologizing to your teenager for your own failures.  None of us are perfect.  We have all failed to be kind, loving, and encouraging to our teens from time to time. When you apologize, you open the door to the possibility of building a better relationship with your teen.  It's the place to start.

 
Influences and Role Models
The most significant influence on the life of a teenager comes from parents.  It may surprise you, but it's true.  Oh, teens are influenced by their peers, but they are far more influenced by their parents.  That is why we must be certain that we are having a positive influence.  One teen said, "My father yells and screams at me; telling me to stop yelling and screaming at him."  Do you understand what the teen is saying?  The father's model is far more important than the father's words.

If you want teens to stop yelling and screaming, then stop yelling and screaming at them.  The Scriptures say, "A soft answer turns away wrath."  Learn to talk softly with your teen and your teen will learn to speak softly to you.


Feeling Unloved? 
When I wrote my book: The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I was surprised to learn how many teens feel unloved by their parents.  It's not that the parents don't love them.  The problem is that the teen does not feel loved.  When teenagers feel unloved, they are far more likely to become sexually active, start using drugs, and get involved in trouble with the law.

The answer?  Learn to speak the love language of your teenager. What are the five love languages? Words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch.  Out of these five, your teen has a primary love language.  If you speak it, your teen will feel loved, if you don't the love tank will be empty.  Much of the teen's misbehavior comes from an empty love tank.

Communicating Love
The most important building block of parent-teen relationships is love!  Most parents sincerely love their teenagers, but thousands of teens do not feel loved.  For most parents, it is not a matter of sincerity, but rather lack of information on how to effectively communicate love.  We are so concerned about the teens behavior that we often come across as condemning.  And, the teen feels rejected.

When you need to instruct a teenager, make sure you speak love before you give the instructions. Give affirmation before you give information.  For example, "I really appreciate the energy you spent in washing your car.  It looks nice.  Now, let's be sure to keep that shiny car below the speed limit; otherwise, it will be my car for the next two days."  

Wisdom 
In most cases, parents are older than their teenagers.  With increased age there is increased wisdom.  Teens desperately need the wisdom of adults.  But why is it that they often reject our advice?  I think it is because they feel unloved.  They are not sure that we are really interested in them. When we don't express interest in their events, condemn them for their dress or music, we come across as judgmental. They tune us out.

If you want your teen to receive your wisdom, then speak all five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch.  Give heavy doses of their primary language and when they are secure in your love, they will be open to your advice.

In my thirty years as a marriage counselor, I've drawn one conclusion:  Everyone wishes their spouse would change.  "We could have a good marriage if he would just help me more around the house."  Or, "Our marriage would be great if we could have sex more than once a month."  She wants him to change and he wants her to change.  Both of them feel condemned and resentful.  There is a better way.

Start with you own failures. Admit that you're not perfect. Confess some of your most obvious failures to your spouse and tell them that you want to change. Ask your spouse for one suggestion each week on how you could be a better husband or wife. To the best of your ability make changes. Chances are, your spouse will reciprocate. 

When I counsel couples, I often give them paper and pencil and ask them to write for me the things they dislike about their spouse. You should see the lists. Some have to request additional paper. A bit later, I ask them to list for me what they feel to be their own weaknesses. Usually, they can think of one right away, but I have seen them think and think trying to come up with number two. The message is clear. "I'm not perfect, but the real problem is with my spouse." 

In Matthew 7:5, Jesus had a different idea: "First, get the plank out of your own eye, and then you can see more clearly how to get the speck out of eye of your spouse." A more loving marriage begins when you pray this prayer: "Lord, where am I failing in my marriage." It's a prayer He will answer.     

No one can keep you from having a better marriage.
You can't create a perfect marriage, but you can have a better marriage. And, it all begins with you. Most of us think that if our spouse would change we could have a better marriage. But that's the wrong place to start. Begin by identifying your own failures. Confess these to God and then to your spouse. You now have a clear conscience and you are free to change your own behavior and become a loving spouse.

Nothing more powerfully impacts your spouse than loving words and actions. 
Nagging builds resentment. Love stimulates positive emotions. When your husband or wife feels genuinely loved by you, they are drawn to you and will be open to your requests for change. 

Many couples are at a stalemate because they have allowed a wall to develop between them. Walls are erected one block at a time. It may be as small as failing to take out the garbage or as large as failing to meet sexual needs. Instead of dealing with the failure, we ignore it. One failure after another is ignored. The wall becomes high and thick. We were once "in love" but now only resentment remains. 

There is only one way to remove a wall. We must tear down the blocks on our side. Someone must take the initiative. Will your spouse forgive you? I don't know, but it's worth a try. Confess your past failures and ask God to help you make the future different. The wall is not as thick when your remove the blocks on your side. 

Have you ever accused your spouse for something they didn't do?
I once accused my wife of misplacing my briefcase, when in fact, I left it at my office. What do you do about those accusations? Ignore them and hope your spouse will forget?

Not if you want to have a loving marriage. Every time you ignore a harsh word, or condemning statement it sits as an emotional barrier between the two of you. Love removes the barriers. 

So, I called my wife from the office and said, "I found my briefcase." She didn't say anything. She knew there ought to be more to it than that. So, I said, "I'm sorry for the way I talked to you. It was wrong. Will you forgive me?" She said, "I thought you'd call." We're committed to removing the barriers.

By Gary Champman

"The Marriage You've Always Wanted"